January 12, 2012
Today I had the day off. I spent it with my lovely puerto rican neighbor Diana Rivera. I woke up at about 1pm. On my days off [for some odd reason] my goal is to sleep as late as humanly possible to make up for all the lack of sleep for the week. Zoldart fortune teller machine. All I really want is to see a psychic or fortune teller. I’m so curious about the future and what it has in store for me. So naturally I inserted a dollar and listen to what he had to say. And he printed out a ticket that read:
When you pull a card and draw a heart you and your beloved will never part.
You are a strong believer in fate. You feel that you have no control over your destiny. Fortunately you are destined to be very happy indeed. You’ve had some trouble mostly caused by inconsideration of others. But fate will be kind to you and you can expect your life to run on a smoother pattern. You are somewhat irresponsible and that has caused you some hardships. You have a neat and tidy nature, and can’t tolerate slovenliness around you. Since you demad this of yourself and others you will always live in a tidy atmosphere.
So now it is 1:45am; I work from 9:30am-9:30pm tomorrow and I’m up blogging on tumblr. I just made and awesome post and Liana and it got deleted somehow so I’m the most angry, but now I’m going to purchase a new book and fall asleep reading it.
I just made the perfect fucking post it took me an hour and it got deleted. So fucking pissed now.
I need to get a GRIP!
So I haven’t taken one hit of weed for an entire week starting at midnight tonight. I’m so happy I quit but I’m soo emotional. I finallyy for the first time in 5 years am actually having to deal with my emotions and it sucks.
I have never been like this before. When I used to get upset, depressed, overwhelmed, bored, anything I would smoke to numb the pain. Now I just straight up deal with it.
I had a meltdown yesterday. I’ve always been in
love with a kid named Chris. He treated me like shit in the past but I can’t get him out of my head. He has a girlfriend in Rhode Island that he replaced me with a couple years ago. When him and I broke up we left things on the worst terms ever. We were together for years and he was all I knew. When you spend everyday and every night with someone and then they are just gone the pain is unbearable. I thought we loved eachother so much but boy was I wrong. You would think if the person you love left you would try to make things right. Wrong. The thing that hurts sooo bad is that he just left me and never turned back. To this day, I think about him when I wake up and before i go to bed. I think in my head “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!”. I always tell myself there is plenty of other great guys out there but I’ve yet to find one.
So lately I’ve been dealing with us not being together and
being ok with it. I’ve been happy and kept my head up and just try to push through the days. Yesterday I was at work and I had 3 missed calls from him. I took my break at work and when I was done and came out of the backroom BAM! he is standing right there at the register. I asked him if there is a reason why he called me and he said he wanted to know if I’d go see a movie and go out to dinner with him. I said I don’t know I’ll call you when I get out. [So obviously its too good to be true for him to actually take me out somewhere, DUH!] So I get out of work and call him. No answer. Shocker. So I drive ALL the way home to Springfield. So of course right when I walked in the door “Ring, Ring, Ring" he asks if I want to chill. I feel like I can’t say no because I think about him all the time and now is my opportunity. I get all ready and drive all they way to his house. I get there and we were just talking and everything was fine. And then the begging began for us to hook up. I always resist and tell him no because he has a girlfriend [nevermind I don’t want to get hurt]. I always tell him “its more than that, I can’t just hook up with you”. He doesn’t get it. So immediately after we finish hes like “So I know you might get mad, but your not going to brag to anyone about what just happened?” Umm excuse me who am I going to brag to!?!?! “ YA EVERYONE I JUST HOOKED UP WITH CHRIS HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND THAT HE LIES ABOUT BEING WITH HOW COOL AM I!!” Who the fuck would brag about that!! So BAM! he kills the mood. My attitude changes, my heart starts to hurt, and I want to cry. I want to leave but I don’t. So then he starts telling me to calm down. Stop thinking. Stop letting my mind race. [ and i just want to crawl under a rock and die.] I know I just made a bad decison and there is no running from it. So THEN he goes to me guess who I’m going to chill with!? I guess random people [one of them being his ex-girlfriend Ashley who I hate and has a kid with another dude] he says yup now that I feel like shit its like kicking me while I’m down. It made me feel like I hate my life. So I ended up giving him a ride to meet his friend and brought him home I was supposed to meet Kendall, but he wanted to talk. I go inside and he asks me why I’m upset. Why am I letting it get to me [HOW DO YOU NOT FUCKING GET IT]. So I straight up told him. I feel like he doesn’t care about me. I feel like he doesn’t love me. I feel like I’m his second choice. And he said he does love me, he does care, and I’m not his second choice. [Ashley calls again and its time to go] I know the second I get away from him and get it the car I’m going to blow [and he does too] I get in the car and drive away. I don’t even get to the end of the street and he calls me. He tells me he does love me and does care about me and does want to be with me and blah blah blah. [I don’t think guys understand how serious the word love is] He said hes confused now and doesnt no what to do an that he has alot to think about [duh]. I feel kind of pathetic now. I went to Kendalls and vented to her it felt so good to get it off my chest. I’m to embarassed to tell my family because they will just say hes a loser. Why did you go there. Blah blah blah. Kendall didn’t tell me anything negative she said I need to sort things out and figure out what i want and how I feel. Chris said he needs to decide if he wants to be with me or Kylie and we hang up on that note. I came home took a shower gained my composer, and relaxed. “Ring, ring, ring" @ 3am. I’m like hello and hes like hi. I’m like whats up? He starts talking about how depressed he is and how for the past 3 months hes felt like he wanted to kill himself. It fucking pisses me off because I tell him how much he means to me and its not good enough?! He said he was going to go and I told him we should talk about it. He tells me I can’t my friend is sleeping. [He fucking slept over Ashleys]. Now at 3am I am wide awake and don’t now what to do with myself. [He is fucking depressed!? What about me!!] So now you don’t know who the fuck you like. I’m soo fucking over it. What a mind fuck he is.
I want to smoke weed.
I want this feeling to go away. But I want to know who I am as a person. I want to know who I am not stoned. I want to set an example for my brother and sister. Its so hard to say no. But I’m doing it for them.
The hardest part about walking away from you is knowing that you won’t run after me.